Frequently Asked Questions about Marriage

1.  How do happily married couples differ from unhappily married couples?

  • Happy couples consistently talk with positive terminology.
  • Happy couples seek to understand what is being said by their mate.
  • Happy couples have a wider range of subjects available to them for discussion.
  • Happy couples preserve, protect, and maintain open channels of communication.
  • Happy couples show greater sensitivity towards each other’s feelings.

2.  What can I do to protect my marriage?

  • Anticipate problems
  • Be aware of age and health stages
  • Take responsibility for your behavior
  • Reinforce your partner’s efforts to improve the relationship
  • Learn how to communicate effectively with your mate

3.  What are some of the reasons individuals in a marriage fail to communicate?

  • They have not acquired the skill of communication
  • They are fearful of the risk of genuine, vulnerable communication
  • They have learned by experience that communication doesn’t do any good, so why bother?
  • They don’t see themselves as having anything of value to say.

4.  What can I do to improve my ability to connect with my spouse?

Be a good listener:

  • Good listeners are active listeners
  • Good listeners listen with understanding
  • Good listeners listen and give respect to the speaker and listen without interruption
  • Good listening is physical, non-verbal
  • Good listening means that when another person is speaking you are not thinking about what you are going to say when the other person is finished.
  • Good listeners do something to affirm that they are listening
  • The evidence of a good listener is the ability to accurately restate the content and the feelings of the message back to the person.

5.  What is the definition of intimacy?

Intimacy is the state of honesty and mutual acceptance between two or more people.  Being intimate requires the ability to be honest about yourself, what you think, and what you’ve done.

6.  What are most men’s most basic needs?

  • Respect and admiration
  • Sexual fulfillment
  • Recreational companionship
  • An attractive spouse
  • Domestic support

7.  What are most women’s most basic needs?

  • Love and affection
  • Conversation
  • Honesty and Openness
  • Financial Support
  • Family Commitment

8.  How can a marriage grow through a deployment?

  • Allow your spouse to be who they have become during the time of separation.
  • Allow for personal growth and change through compromise
  • Agree on emotional boundaries
  • Develop and maintain stronger relational boundaries with those of the opposite sex while you are separated
  • Increase sensitivity towards each other’s different circumstances
  • Give each other emotional space
  • Be aware of each other’s emotional needs
  • Prevent jealousy and envy by not comparing your circumstances to your spouse’s circumstances
  • Reveal expectations
  • Discuss and decide on your financial boundaries before you leave
  • Budget, budget, budget
  • Maintain complete openness about finances
  • When it comes to parenting don’t parent from a distance
  • Don’t rush re-integration – go slow

9.  What are some indicators of marital failure?

  • Escalating behavior – This occurs when people respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually “upping the ante” so conditions worsen.  Negative comments will spiral (with increasing anger and frustration) into threats of divorce.
  • Invalidating behavior – This is a pattern of speech and actions in which one person subtly or directly disparages down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other.
  • Negative beliefs or interpretations – This occurs when one person consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is the case.  This is a difficult pattern to detect and counteract after it becomes cemented into the fabric of a relationship.
  • Withdrawal pursuer pattern – One person tends to overwhelm the other with words so the other person withdraws physically, emotionally, and mentally.

10.  What can be some hidden landmines in a marriage?

  • Power and Control – Who’s in charge?
  • Caring – Do you really care about me?
  • Recognition – Do you value me?
  • Commitment – Will you leave me?
  • Integrity – Do you see me the same way I see me?
  • Acceptance – Are you OK with who I am?  Who I have become?

11.  How can I maintain a friendship with my spouse?

  • Set apart friendship time that is protected from negative issues, problem solving, and fighting.
  • Talk about the things friends talk about.
  • Focus on who your partner is, what they care about, dream about, and enjoy.
  • Accept pain, don’t try to fix everything.
  • Have fun
  • Be creative about what you do and how you spend your time together